August 2021, and now i'm 34
hbd and happy fall
I had a birthday this month. It was the most unlike-a-birthday birthday I’ve maybe ever had. The year I turned 29 my dad had started drinking again, it was a Wednesday, and I had been living back in Seattle for a few weeks. Two friends brought me takeout thai food even though I would genuinely have been fine treating it like a regular Wednesday. That was 2016.
This year felt the same without the particulars. Turning 34 on a Tuesday wasn’t necessarily exciting and even more so than last year, celebrating a birthday in a pandemic is not the vibe. In an extremely unlike-a-Leo move, I didn’t even mention that it was my birthday at work or online besides a few stories that would eventually expire. Plenty of people forgot or didn’t know and it didn’t even bother me.
But on the flip, I do have positive feelings heading into 34. I have a strong sense of self that’s only getting stronger. Besides the absolute hell we’ve drudged through in the past ~140298+ months, I’ve been so lucky to be able to shift my energy toward getting to know who and why I am. I’ve discovered a lot about what I’ve carried around with me, from childhood and friendships and certainly from my romantic relationships. I’m learning how I’ve let those things taint my view of who I am. Have you ever really sat down and thought about what you like or who you are based on your own feelings and not based on what you’ve always been told?
So here’s to getting to know myself, and luckily, I’ve always been a fan. I like myself and I think I’ll just keep liking myself more as I shed the falsities I’ve let other people convince me of, and you know what helps with that? Reading.
Here’s what I enjoyed this month, as I counted the goddamn grays on my head. (There are actually a lot, okay!)
[Books I Read]
How Should a Person Be?: A Novel from Life by Sheila Heti, originally published 2010
Quick summary: A very unique exploration of a woman's life as she tries to figure out how a person should be. | I’m not sure I’m the right kind of smart to have fully understood this book. The formatting threw me, partially a memoir, partially stream of consciousness, sometimes a play. I didn’t dislike it by any means but I’d probably need to read it multiple times to get it and it was a little too boring for me to want to do that.
[novel, literary fiction, written by a Hungarian-Jewish-Canadian cis woman, medium-length read that took me forever]
Very Sincerely Yours by Kerry Winfrey, published 2021
Quick summary: A romance where one person, unsure of what she wants in life, falls for basically sexy Mr. Rogers. | Y’all know I’m a Kerry Winfrey fan and her latest is no exception. Very Sincerely Yours is a super fun escape from everything else and as a person who definitely prefers to emote via written word, I appreciated these characters.
[fiction, novel, romance, written by a white American cis woman, medium-length read but hard to put down]
Our Lady of the Nile: A Novel by Scholastique Mukasonga, translated by Melanie Mauthier, originally published 2012
Quick summary: The life and times of students at a Catholic boarding school in Rwanda. | This book was also almost a little too smart for me but I kept telling myself it was the translation and maybe some Biblical references that always go over my heathen head. But by the end, I felt it, I got it, and it made me well with emotion. On a shallow note, the size and shape and feel of this paperback book made it a pleasure to hold.
[historical fiction, novel, written by a French Rwandan cis woman, shortish read]
Spoiler Alert by Olivia Dade, published 2021
Quick summary: A romcom in which a fanfic writer ends up on a date with the star of the show she writes about - who is also a fellow fanfic writer she has an online relationship with. | I liked this except the overly nerdy dialogue made me feel like I was hanging out on tumblr. Here’s a review from my tiny friend Maisie, who pulled this book out of my purse, saw the cover, and exclaimed, “a mermaid!” She then opened it, turned to me with a disappointed but understanding gaze, and said “no pictures, lottts of words.”
[romantic fiction, novel, fat positive, written by a white cis American woman, medium-length read that goes quick]
[Books I Heard]
The Natural Mother of the Child: A Memoir of Nonbinary Parenting by Krys Malcolm Belc, published 2021
Quick summary: A memoir of gender identity exploration through conception, birth, and early parenthood. | I don’t recommend this as an audiobook, and not because Belc’s voice is anything less than lovely, but because it’s a visual memoir! Which I didn’t know until I was halfway through and also still don’t entirely know what that means. (It’s different than a graphic novel…?) There are times in the memoir that it’s clear the format matters and it doesn’t translate well over audio. That being said, this is a great memoir and hopefully the beginning of more parenting and birthing stories that don’t center cis women.
[memoir, nonfiction, written by a white American nonbinary, transmasculine person, shorter listen, read by the author]
Camgirl by Isa Mazzei, published 2019
Quick summary: Super candid memoir about sex work, becoming and sustaining a career as a cam girl, and self-discovery. | I breezed through this memoir and once I found out it turned into a loosely based netflix horror movie, I rushed even more. (And then forgot immediately and still haven’t watched it.) I went into Mazzei’s memoir critically, assuming I’d be unimpressed by a thin white woman’s story of men wanting to fuck her. I was wrong.
[memoir, nonfiction, written by a queer white American person, medium listen, read by the author]
Spirit Run: A 6,000-Mile Marathon Through North America's Stolen Land by Noé Álvarez, published 2020
Quick summary: The son of hard-working immigrants decides to run the Native American-First Nations marathon as part of the Peace and Dignity Journeys. | A short, compelling listen that began with such infuriating descriptions of Álvarez’s family’s fruit packing job in Yakima, Washington that I want to burn the world down. Per usual! This memoir is really well-written, pretty damn inspiring and my only complaint is that the narrator is just okay. I always want the author to read their book!!
[memoir, nonfiction, written by a cis Latinx man, shorter listen, read by Ramon de Ocampo]
I’m Telling the Truth, but I’m Lying by Bassey Ikpi, published 2019
Quick summary: Ikpi details her life particularly through the lens of her mental health and eventual bipolar II diagnosis. | A former slam poet, Ikpi’s essays on her life and mental health are especially beautifully written. Ikpi discusses her experiences in lyrical and strong ways, in detailed descriptions I could only dream of writing. I loved listening to this because she’s a poet and has a gorgeous speaking voice but also want to own it to hold in my hand one day.
[essays on mental health, nonfiction, written by a Nigerian-American woman, medium-length listen, read by the author]
[What I Recommend]
If you want a cute romance novel: Very Sincerely Yours by Kerry Winfrey
If you want a sexy romance novel: Spoiler Alert by Olivia Dade
If you want sex without romance: Camgirl by Isa Mazzei
And honestly, I’d recommend all the audiobooks I listened to this month so go crazy if you’re a memoir listener/reader.
