July 2022, and the living is not at all easy

The last week of July made up for the horrors of the rest of it. I’ve never been so aware of how bad of a time I’m having in my life. There are many, many good things about my life but the weight of what’s not going well is overwhelming.

But I got out of town. Out of country, actually. I went through customs and had to answer weirdly pointed questions for anticlimactic answers. I rode a big ferry and thought about Titanic a lot and the morning of our return home, a different ferry sustained heavy damage after it veered off course and crashed into pilings near the Fauntleroy dock in West Seattle. So then of course I was thinking about Titanic again. I got sunburnt which swiftly translates to tan and I didn’t complain (well, didn’t complain that much) about walking around in weather that is impossible for me to feel comfortable in. I drank many fun cocktails (one had poprocks in it) and drank a lot of water and slept in comfortable beds and felt very relaxed and enjoyed nice views and felt good about this part of my life spent with a person who cares about my feelings and plans everything and has good taste in things.

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I also read a lot on my vacation which is why we’re all here. Did I read all of the books I had with me? No. But I read 1.75 books and one of them has been on my book cart for far too long so it’s a win all around. Here’s the stuff.

[Books I Read]

The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi (2020) | Quick summary: A devastating and beautiful story of family, friendship, loss, and identity.
This is the first book I’ve picked up from a physical library since March 2020. It had one of those “you’re lucky you’re coming across this BRAND NEW BOOK” stickers and it called to me. Emezi is such an incredible writer that even though I read a lot of books this month, it’s like I read The Death of Vivek Oji yesterday.
[literary fiction, written by a Nigerian “multidisciplinary artist and writer based in liminal spaces,” quickish read]

Nightbitch by Rachel Yoder (2021) | Quick summary: A stay-at-home mom becomes convinced she's turning into a dog as she struggles with motherhood and society’s expectations of her.
Weird as hell. This wasn’t entirely for me but I did enjoy how fucking strange it was. I tend to read a lot of “no one appreciates mom,” which I only relate to as a parentified child who is now a person fighting against every urge she has to nurture and please. Not as a mom-mom, though I have a killer answer when people ask me why I don’t want to have biological children. If you’re a mom-mom or a person-like-me-mom, you might appreciate Yoder’s bizarre brain.
[fiction, satire, written by a white American writer, quicker read]

White Tears/Brown Scars: How White Feminism Betrays Women of Color by Ruby Hamad (2020) | Quick summary: Solid anecdotes and relevant insight into how and why white women's active participation in oppressing women of color is so harmful.
I’d been sitting on this one, which I preordered in 2020 for a book club that never happened because, well, 2020. Hamad traces the role that white womanhood and feminism have played in the development of Western power structures. One of the most magical parts of being a reader is when a book presents itself to you like a special little gift from the universe. That’s what this was to me. It gave me language and affirmation that I needed at a time where it’s very clear that my intersecting identities, even the invisible ones, will always be at the forefront of my life.
[nonfiction, feminist theory, written by a Lebanese-Syrian-Australian writer, long and informative read]

Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma by Galit Atlas (2022) | Quick summary: A study of the legacy of generational trauma through real patient (and personal) stories.
If you can’t afford therapy or it is otherwise inaccessible to you, I highly recommend reading books written by professionals. I find my actual therapist, who I am lucky enough to speak with once a week for the price of a co-pay, extremely helpful and our sessions are slowly bettering my life. I also find it very helpful to read the experiences of other people through the lens of someone who is good enough at their job to get a book deal. (My therapist could totally write a book ftr.) I read a lot of books like this and this one is fantastic. I bought it as soon as I returned it to the lil’ Libby app.
[nonfiction, counseling and mental health, written by an Israeli psychoanalyst and clinical supervisor, medium-length but richly informative read]

Good Talk: A Memoir in Conversations by Mira Jacob (2019) | Quick summary: A lovely graphic memoir about identity, interracial families, and the past few years of grappling with that as a person of color.
Graphic novels are a delight and Jacob’s might be the best I’ve read. Gorgeous detail, compelling conversations, and some much needed humor at just the right bits. I had a really strong nostalgic pull while reading this. Some things have such strong “right before the pandemic” energy.
[nonfiction, graphic novel, memoir, written and illustrated by an Indian American writer, medium-length but so much to take in]

This Wound is a World by Billy-Ray Belcourt (2017) | Quick summary: A poetic meditation on life as a queer Indigenous person.
Y’all have heard me admit poetry isn’t my favorite genre but that doesn’t mean I don’t try. Poets are often so deep and elegant that it just doesn’t speak to the raw part of my deepest self that seeks out a clear story. I like it rough and poetry, to me, is so delicate, like classical music. This Wound is a World defies my interpretation of poetry, which is why I liked it so much and why I don’t declaratively state a genre as something that isn’t for me.
[nonfiction, indigenous poetry, LGBTQ+ poetry, written by a queer writer and academic from the Driftpile Cree Nation, shorter read]

I Love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness by Claire Vaye Watkins (2021) | Quick summary: A story of family, parents, marriage, work, sex, motherhood, cults, harsh honesty.
Gotta admit I thought this was a memoir the whole time and even though it’s not (I guess??), it was great. This is almost another in the “no one appreciates mom” collection but we’re made to believe this protagonist bailed on her adoring husband and their daughter for reasons she’s never really vilified for, which is nice. The reason I am confused about this not being a memoir is because the (fiction??) story is cut with excerpts about Paul Watkins, the author’s infamous father. (A Manson Guy.) Still really liked it, just a bit confused! Please see below photo for my view as I read this one.
[literary fiction, tiny bit memoir, written by a white American author and academic, medium-length read]

The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang (2018) | Quick summary: Desperate to learn how to date, Stella hires an escort to teach her.
Stella cares more about work than dating and finds sex pretty uninteresting, as she’s shut down and clamped up during past experiences. Stella is also autistic which adds a layer of discomfort around opening up to men in intimate situations. But Michael changes everything because he’s a person that doesn’t exist in real life! A perfectly ripped and handsome escort who only sluts it up to pay his mom’s medical bills when he’d rather be designing clothing, which he’s really good at. And he loves going down on women and understands her and listens to her and actually cares what she says and expresses his feelings. I know this is the point of these books but it’s hard to hold back the skeptic in me while I do. Any which way, it’s cute and was a nice book to read on a long ferry ride home.
[fiction, romcom-y, written by a Vietnamese American romance novelist, quicker, lighter read]

[Books I Heard]

You Sound Like a White Girl: The Case for Rejecting Assimilation by Julissa Arce (2022) Quick summary: A challenge against the myth that assimilation leads to belonging for immigrants growing up in the US.
Arce has such a strong and clear way of explaining her argument. Instead of encouraging assimilation for immigrants (she herself immigrated from Mexico when she was 10), Arce rips apart the assumption and promise that assimilation means happiness. Arce makes the argument that true belonging can only come from the ability and desire to celebrate yourself, history, culture, and everything unique about you and your people. As Arce says, “only in turning away from the white gaze can we truly make America beautiful.”
[nonfiction, immigration studies, memoir, written by a Mexican American best-selling author, medium-length read]

[What I Recommend]

• If you’re a person of color, especially a person of Latinx descent: You Sound Like a White Girl by Julissa Arce
• If you love romcoms: The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang
• If you have raised or are raising people and are tired of it: I Love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness and Nightbitch
• If you need therapy!: Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma by Galit Atlas
• If you want to understand white feminism in a more thorough way than accusatory instagram infoslides: White Tears/Brown Scars: How White Feminism Betrays Women of Color by Ruby Hamad
• If you like having your heart broken: The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi and Good Talk by Mira Jacob
• Apologizing when you’re wrong
• Donating to an abortion fund in need
• Drinking a lot of water especially if you’ve been in a heatwave like I have

“How much of my mother's life I missed because I was a child!” The Death of Vivek Oji

“It was a virtue to blend in.” Nightbitch

“Validation is a need almost all humans share. When broader society refuses to validate women of color, it becomes vital for us to share our experiences with each other as a means of coping with these damaging stereotypes and archetypes, and to help us recognize the gaslighting techniques and stereotypes that keep us in a subordinate position.” White Tears/Brown Scars

“A change is a slight goodbye to our past: to our childhood, to our familiar roles, to our known selves. To develop, to create, is to separate and live the future as opposed to cherishing the past. An unprocessed past will not allow us to move forward. It will hold us as the gatekeepers of our history.” Emotional Inheritance: A Therapist, Her Patients, and the Legacy of Trauma

“there are days when being in life feels like consenting to the cruelties that hold up the world.” This Wound is a World

“I’m unhappy,” I said. “I know happiness is a scam, but . . . unhappiness is real.” I Love You but I’ve Chosen Darkness

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