May 2021, and too much is going on

This month was exhausting, emotional, busy, infuriating, and full of real life laughter. I was tired a lot and when I had any free time to myself, I straight up didn’t want to read. SEE, IT HAPPENS TO ME TOO! But I did it anyway because it’s like, my only hobby unless being stoned playing a game on my phone is a hobby.

I’ve been able to see some friends recently and while it is very nice to have things to do and people to see, I still don’t care for much of the world I am going to have to enter back into very soon. To handle that, I’m trying to live in a space of quiet gratitude and honesty. I have such solid, strong, loyal friendships that I have not seen most of my friends in more than a year and I have not even slightly been concerned about the revival of those friendships. More importantly, I get to choose which ones still feel good and right to me. This month is the first time I’ve been able to hug a few friends, clink a wine glass, go somewhere with my boyfriend that isn’t either of our living rooms. As it’s time to venture back out into being a social being again, I am not as anxious as I thought I’d be.

But I know myself better than I did last year, or before all of this started, and that helps me decide who I want to keep being. I have a better sense of what I am capable of, what I need to work on, and who and what I want to invest my time and energy in. Instead of spilling the depths of my therapy sessions to everyone who reads this, I’ll share one small win with you instead, because even though this month put me to the test, I have one big, proud moment.

I know lots of people think I am direct and bold and self-assured and confident and I am in many aspects of life but I am also really, really not in many other very important aspects of life. I can be quite shy, pretty timid, and sometimes have a very hard time speaking directly, especially to people who intimidate me. And this month, to someone who intimidates me, I said, “We can talk, but I have made my decision and this isn’t up for debate.” I felt like a complete badass afterward. Before though? I felt like truly vomiting, was certain I would, and was sure I’d burst into tears.

But it was worth it. I did it and I did not die and I did not throw up, though if I had, I guess that would have been fine because I still get to work from home. If you need to use that line for something in your life, get it. It won’t be my last time!

None of that has anything to do with books other than it’s pretty good insight into what my mind was racing with all month! And if you need to put your foot down, put that fucker down.

Okay here’s the lovely material I really struggled to read this month — and really liked most of it!

[Books I Read With My Eyes]

My Year of Meats by Ruth L. Ozeki, published 1998
Quick summary: Jane Takagi-Little lands a job producing a television show sponsored by BEEF-EX and ends up learning a lot more about the world than she bargained for. | I have never read anything written by Ozeki which felt bonkers, so I decided to read her debut novel! I hate to say stuff like this because white people always say stuff written by people of color is “timely” without realizing that it is because racism has always existed — but this book, published in 1998, is so timely! Maybe it’s because I can’t stop thinking about my personal meat consumption for the first time since I gave up vegetarianism, so it’s timely for me. My Year of Meats is intense, triggering, powerful, funny, weird, and really compelling. I can’t wait to read more from her.
[novel, fiction, written by a Japanese-American-Canadian cis woman, medium-length read]

A Children’s Bible by Lydia Millet, published 2021
Quick summary: A group of kids play a game to disassociate from their parents and then one day a storm actually separates them and apocalyptic chaos ensues. | This novel came heavily recommended from one of my best friends and like always, she is correct. I’ll admit upfront that anything that references the bible in any way or, even worse, anything that is an allusion that I am supposed to understand is always above my head. I don’t even say this to be cool or like, to back up my atheism. I just didn’t grow up with any religion so I don’t know anything about it. A Children’s Bible was still accessible to me though and even if I missed some references I always appreciate the story of kids defying the rules of adulthood. This novel is essentially about climate change and also has an overlying motif of like, adults are fucking liars, so what’s not to like?
[novel, dystopian fiction, written by a white American cis woman, medium-length read]

Women, Race & Class by Angela Y. Davis, published 1981
Quick summary: A feminist analysis of gender, race, class, reproductive rights, politics, and women’s history. | I had never read Women, Race & Class in its entirety and can’t even tell you why I decided now was the time. Unfortunately, everything Davis writes about is still relevant today. (Timely, if you will.) It’s well worth the time and energy to read Davis’s words (any of them!) but particularly if you want a good read on the history of white feminism, this is a good start.
[nonfiction, feminist theory, written by a Black American cis woman, long, educational read]

How to Fall in Love with Anyone: A Memoir in Essays by Mandy Len Catron, published 2017
Quick summary: The title kind of explains it but Catron interjects research with her own experiences of being and falling in love. | This shit interests me and this has been on my list for years. I didn’t expect to bookmark every page but unfortunately, Catron’s experiences spoke to me very much. Catron and I have similar dating histories so I enjoyed this and took a few things from it but prob won’t keep it on my bookshelf.
[nonfiction, essays, human nature, written by a white American-Canadian cis woman, medium-length read]

And Now We Have Everything: On Motherhood Before I Was Ready by Meaghan O’Connell, published 2018
Quick summary: A very honest memoir about becoming a mother, from conception to the beginning years. | This is so honest and funny; harsh and realistic. I have no intention or desire to give birth to a child (and certainly do not plan to do so) but am very interested in reproduction and motherhood so this had been on my list for quite some time. It did not let me down and even though I’ve been in a slump, I read this in one single day.
[memoir, motherhood, written by a white American cis woman, medium read]

The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner, published 2001
Quick summary: A book about authentic voice in tough relationships. | Long story short, my origin story is not rooted in open communication, nurturing, or affirmation and sometimes when that happens, you gotta just read a lot of fucking therapy books as an adult.
[nonfiction, mental health and human behavior, written by a white American cis woman who is a clinical psychologist, long read and maybe you’ll also highlight every other passage so it will take forever]

Today Tonight Tomorrow by Rachel Lynn Solomon, published 2020
Quick summary: A YA romance novel about the very end of senior year at a fictional high school in Seattle. | I can’t remember how this came across my radar and I am trying to be better at paying attention! Seattle is heavily featured and that is where I live, so maybe it came to my attention for that specific reason. After having a rough start to my reading month and then a double whammy of therapy-inspired books, I literally picked a book by its cover looking for something fun. This is!
[fiction, YA, romance, written by a white American cis woman, shorter read]

[Audiobooks]

On Gold Mountain: The One-Hundred-Year Odyssey of My Chinese-American Family by Lisa See, published 1995
Quick summary: The title kind of explains it, but Lisa See documents her family’s history back 100 years. | If y’all have been paying attention to the types of books I like the most, you’ve probably gathered it’s long ass epic stories. In fact, that’s what I like in my movies too — The Godfather, Titanic — anything that is very long or ranges over a long period of time is up my alley. I had never read anything See had written before and decided to dive into getting to know her and her entire family history before reading her fiction. I liked it! 19 hours never felt so quick(?)
[memoir, Asian American studies, nonfiction, written by an American-Chinese cis woman, long listen, read by Kate Reading]

You’re the Only One I’ve Told: The Stories Behind Abortion by Dr. Meera Shah, published 2020
Quick summary: A collection of stories about abortion experiences. | This is a great collection of stories that I would highly recommend to anyone who needs a variety of stories about why pregnant people had abortions. Though I enjoyed this book and will listen to any abortion story no matter how casual or intense, I just want to scream, “boring abortions are fine too!” In case you somehow missed it, I had an abortion because I didn’t want to be pregnant, didn’t want to raise a child with the person I was dating, and maybe didn’t ever want a baby. That’s it! But read this to get stories that are a little more in-depth than that one.
[political nonfiction, written by an Indian-American cis woman, long listen, read by Janina Edwards and Lisa Reneé Pitts]

My Time Among the Whites: Notes from an Unfinished Education by Jennine Capó Crucet, published 2019
Quick summary: Insightful and funny essay collection about, well, the author’s time among the whites. | I don’t know anything about this writer but sought this out for one of the Book Riot challenges this year. I was delighted to find that Crucet covers her experience frequenting Disney as a Floridian and offers great critical insight into the Disney machine. There were a few other things Crucet brought up in this memoir that felt relevant to my interests as well but the Disney stuff has stuck with me.
[nonfiction, memoir, written by a Cuban-American cis woman, short listen, read by the author]

Nobody Will Tell You This But Me: a True (as told to me) Story by Bess Kalb, published 2020
Quick summary: A granddaughter details her late grandmother’s life and their relationship to each other. | I don’t know much about Bess Kalb but do feel like I know her grandmother, who seemed like a frustrating and incredible woman. I’m always drawn to memoir, particularly anything involving matrilineality. I read a lot of books that felt personal this month and don’t want to delve into all of the reasons why, but I’ll just say I desperately wish I had someone like a solid grandmother or any strong female role model in my life to help mold and shape me and usually reading this kind of book makes me very sad. This was no exception, but I also loved it.
[memoir, family history, written by a Jewish-American cis woman, short listen, read by the author]

Sunshine Girl: An Unexpected Life by Julianna Margulies, published 2021
Quick summary: The story of the actress Julianna Margulies’s life. | I tend to be a harsh critic with celebrity memoirs that feel like they aren’t offering much. Marguiles has/d a relatively interesting childhood and quirky parents but probably not one that would have gotten her a book deal if she weren’t on television. I wish she had talked so much more about ER and The Good Wife but I can’t have everything I want, I guess. I listened to this one because there’s nothing more soothing to me than the sound of Margulies’s voice. I have no regrets and would maybe listen to it again as I fall asleep. She’s perfect to me and this mediocre book has not changed that.
[celebrity memoir, written by a Jewish-American-British(??) cis woman, medium listen, read by the author]

[What I Recommend]

I don’t even know, y’all. Everything I read this month was so personal or weird so here’s my best attempt besides Women, Race, & Class by Angela Y. Davis. Everyone should read that.

If you want to think “how the hell was this written in the 90s??” over and over because of its stunning relevance: My Year of Meats by Ruth L. Ozeki

If you aren’t freaked out by religious shit or if you loved Lord of the Flies and want something funnier and more interesting: A Children’s Bible by Lydia Millet

If you are planning on having kids or have them already or are like me and just find parenthood interesting: And Now We Have Everything: On Motherhood Before I Was Ready by Meaghan O’Connell

If you think grandmas rule: Nobody Will Tell You This But Me: a True (as told to me) Story by Bess Kalb

If you would also die for nurse Carol Hathaway or Alicia Florrick, listen to: Sunshine Girl: An Unexpected Life by Julianna Margulies

See you next month! I famously hate the month of June, so can’t wait to see what I end up reading.

“We are paralyzed by bad knowledge, from which the only escape is playing dumb. Ignorance becomes empowering because it enables people to live.” My Year of Meats

“That was how we could tell it was serious. Because they were obviously lying.” A Children’s Bible

“Whether the criticism of the Fourteenth and Fifteenth Amendments expressed by the leaders of the women’s rights movement was justifiable or not is still being debated. But one thing seems clear: their defense of their own interests as white middle-class women—in a frequently egotistical and elitist fashion—exposed the tenuous and superficial nature of their relationship to the postwar campaign for Black equality.” Women, Race, & Class

“There are so many ways to make a life.” How to Fall in Love with Anyone

“Sometimes it felt like I spent my whole life trying to tell the difference between fear and circumspection. I was always trying not to want things.” And Now We Have Everything: On Motherhood Before I Was Ready

“It’s not that I want my friends to be big braggarts, but I do want them to claim achievement, admit to ambition, and share the facts. I think doing so is good for them and for the world overall.” The Dance of Connection