May 2020, still inside and i accidentally quit audiobooks

I can't believe the world we live in. I cannot believe we're here right now—in the midst of a pandemic, cities on literal fire, people arguing over whether or not Black people should get to be alive—though I also can't believe people who ask, "how did we get here again?" We have always been here.

I am not a natural optimist but sometimes I force myself to try to look on a bright side. I will literally stop to smell a flower or look straight up into the sky to try to find a beautiful cloud and let myself wonder how in hell an airplane actually works. Sometimes I find it, that ounce of assuredness, that thing that I imagine other people feel all of the time that I just happened to be born without.

But I cannot find that right now, even as the sun stays out longer and the days look brighter. They do not feel that way. It feels like the seasons should stop, that we should live in a colorless world saturated in gray with no weather and no flowers and no birds chirping until we can figure it all out or it simply implodes upon itself.

Everyone says "reading is an escape," and sure, it can be. But sometimes even in the midst of a fantastic book, I lose my attention and let it fall somewhere else. It usually involves running down a list of people in my life, hoping they are okay even if there's no cause for concern. I think about work, my relationship, whether or not I've exercised that day, whether or not I should have wine tonight. And then I go to the bigger stuff—who died today, what the cops are going to say this time to convince the people who believe in them that this was not their fault, if I will lose a friend or family member to this, if I will lose a friend or family member to the other major virus impacting the globe. This country feels rampant with infection right now, in both unknown and familiar ways.

I say all of this because it is hard to read right now. It's hard to do anything right now. Reading is a priority for me personally but I have to set timers and throw my phone across the room and sometimes it still doesn't work. Sometimes it's too hard and I want to stare at a wall instead.

But it's also a crucial time to pick up a book and read. For white people who are trying to better understand their own privilege and/or would like to learn the truth about cops, here are some recommendations. It's a shitty time for libraries to be closed down—I feel that deeply in my bones and I know other people who have a greater need for those services feel it in a bigger way. But for people who cannot afford to buy a bunch of books, and I include myself in that group, I hope you seek out other resources where you can.

And read Black voices. Read people of color. Read books written by people who do not look or sound like you. Even fiction books. Even YA books. Even romance books. You'll be amazed what you pick up even in that context. Expand your mind.

Here's what I read in May.

[Physical Books]

• Full Circle: From Hollywood to Real Life and Back Again by Andrea Barber
  Yeah, yeah, we all know what Full House means to me. I am not even embarrassed to admit what a huge part of my life this extremely corny show is. That all being said, Andrea's book is the first book I've read by any of the cast members. I am deeply in love with Candace Cameron Bure but her books are all centered around being an extremely faithful Christian and I am...not that so I've always skipped over them. Andrea's book was much more my speed. I actually enjoyed it, and not just for the Full House stories, but for her candid conversation around divorce, running, and mental health. (And I liked the pictures!!)
  [memoir, nonfiction, white female writer, shortish read]
  
• Peach by Emma Glass
  Peach is one of the library books I snatched up last minute and have held hostage ever since. (I will return you one day, Peach.) I can't remember why this was on my list to begin with but it tackles a traumatic story in an interesting way. It's very short too, which is honestly my favorite kind of book.
  [novel, fiction, white female writer, short read]
  
• Would You Rather: A Memoir of Growing Up and Coming Out by Katie Heaney
  Katie Heaney is a famous-on-the-internet digital media type of person, and I usually do not like reading books written by people like that. But, like Peach, I grabbed Heaney's book while stocking up at the library and it's relatively short and has a cute cover. (Yes, it is how I choose my wine as well.) Though I did not enjoy every essay, I liked it quite a bit overall and am admittedly always a sucker for a late bloomer's love story.
  [memoir, nonfiction, white female writer, queer, medium length]
  
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
  Another therapy book! And it is really good! Unlike the other therapy book I read, this one is probably more universal and I think most people can benefit from it. It's not perfect. It doesn't touch enough on queer relationships, though it also honestly doesn't rely heavily on gender specific terms, which was a nice surprise. I have learned so much about myself in the past two or three months—a combination of going to therapy weekly, reading about why and how I am the way I am, and quarantine (I guess??) and this book is one that I will read and read again as I continue to learn even more about who I am and what I need.
  [psychology focused, nonfiction, co-written: male and female writer, deep read – you'll prob take notes]
  
• Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid
  More like such a fun read! (I am so sorry.) I didn't know much about Such a Fun Age but had seen the cover everywhere. This is another of my library book hostages and I was extremely aware that I hadn't read anything by a Black woman this whole month so I picked it up, flipped to the back cover, and was delighted to learn that Kiley Reid is Black. And this whole story is about race. And it's really close to a perfect read—not short, but reads quickly. Quite a page-turner considering it's about a privileged white woman and her nanny. And best of all, it's a damn good read on white women who think they are so liberal that they are immune from being racist.
  [novel, fiction, Black female writer, decent length]
  
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: The Illustrated Edition by J.K. Rowling; Illustrations by Jim Kay
  Everyone has to have a least favorite Harry Potter book even if it's a hard thing to admit. Chamber of Secrets is mine. It's understandable and appropriate that this is the only book of the series that really spends a lot of time recapping, but I don't have to like it during my 100th re-read. (Actual number unknown, but prob more like 12.) Colin Creevey is annoying and some of the plot points feel too on the nose now. That being said, there are so many good parts of this story. Meeting Dobby, who is truly one of my favorite characters, is monumental. I love the Deathday party. Polyjuice Potion is so fun. The imagery around Harry diving into Tom Riddle's diary is beautiful. And Fawkes? Get outta here. That's my guy.
  [fiction, second in a series, fantasy, white female writer, medium read]
  
• Love and Other Alien Experiences by Kerry Winfrey
  Kerry and I are internet pals and I am always in awe of her. I don't know anyone who appreciates a classic romcom more and I really like that in a person. (Kerry also wrote Waiting for Tom Hanks, which I absolutely adored.) Love and Other Alien Experiences was super up my alley. I wanted something cute and fun to read in a single day and this did the trick. Lots of X-Files references, a cute love story, friendship, and mental health? I even teared up at the end!
  [novel, fiction, YA, white female writer, medium length]
  
• We Have Always Been Here by Samra Habib
  Habib's book has been on my radar since before it even came out. It is, in fact, a book I had previously checked out and had to return upon realizing I had too much to read. I nabbed a copy before the libraries closed and I'm glad I did. (I guess I will be, horrifyingly, out of library books kind of soon—I have five left.) I read this book in one full day and enjoyed every ounce of it. I read about my interests a lot—race, sexuality, and gender at the top of that list—but this opened my eyes to an exploration of Muslim queerness that I had never once considered. Beautifully written and vastly interesting.
  [memoir, nonfiction, Pakistani-Muslim-Canadian female writer, queer, medium length]
  
• Brilliant Burnout: How Successful, Driven Women Can Stay in the Game by Rewiring Their Bodies, Brains, and Hormones by Nisha Jackson ​
  A book club pick that I did not enjoy and do not recommend and would highly encourage you to steer away from it.
  [women's health (I guess), nonfiction (kinda), white female writer, long but skimmable]

[Audiobooks]

• All That Heaven Allows: A Biography of Rock Hudson by Mark Griffin
  My boyfriend and I watched one Rock Hudson movie, actually All That Heaven Allows, and I declared that I wanted to know more about him and the next day, started listening to this. I took my time with it. It was super long and detailed and just very interesting. While thinking of what a beloved icon Rock was, I was also saddened to consider what his life might have been like if he had come up in this era. I do not mean to imply that it definitely would have been easier—there are plenty of people in Hollywood, especially men, who are still closeted—but he died of a disease he didn't need to die from. And I just wish that wasn't the case. (Also if all you know of Rock Hudson is from Netflix's Hollywood, please know that their portrayal of him is really inaccurate and disappointing!)
  [biography, nonfiction, white male writer, long listen, read by Jeremy Arthur]​

[What I Recommend]

I read quite a few books this month but don't have as many "you absolutely must read this book" recommendations this month. My two favorite things I read this month were Kerry Winfrey's Love and Other Alien Experiences and Levine and Heller's Attached. I also adored Kiley Reid's Such a Fun Age.

Love and Other Alien Experiences because it's been awhile since I consumed a full book in a single day but this one got me. And I cried at the end, which is an automatic rec. Attached because I think most people can learn about themselves from it, even if it doesn't entirely fit your personal narrative. It includes the single most important thing I've read (or heard) regarding why my last relationship has affected me so much, so I have to recommend. Such a Fun Age is wonderful, though it has that ~Reese's Book Club~ vibe to it, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but a thing to mention.

Thank you for reading this, if you did! Or thank you for skimming it, that's fine. I skim most of the newsletters I get too.

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"We have always been here, it's just that the world wasn't ready for us yet." - We Have Always Been Here