you paid for this: 37 in childfree heaven

I can’t remember when we started saying “childfree” instead of “childless,” but I can remember that this conversation comes up every few years. Every few years, people like me, the childfree, are backed into a corner where we feel we have to defend ourselves and our choices. I refuse to defend myself to anyone who thinks they get a take on how I live my life, but I genuinely enjoy this conversation. It’s interesting to me to learn about parenting and motherhood, child-rearing, and family. It’s fascinating that people choose to have children in this day and age, but honestly, in any day and age. I’m as interested in people’s choices to have children as I am in people’s choices to not. It gets sensitive and personal, and I wish it wouldn’t. If societally, we understood and talked about reproduction, menstruation, anatomy, and sexual health. Maybe the whole ordeal would be less isolating, less confusing, and more supportive overall.

I saw a tweet the other day (yes, I’m still on there) that essentially said, “I am the village,” regarding not having children, and it summed up a lot of how I realize I’ve been living my life. If I had kids, I would be consumed with their well-being, health, and happiness, and I honestly can’t do that and be there for my friends and family the way I want and need to be there for them. I’m the drop-everything kind of sister, daughter, and friend, and I want to continue to be that person. If I had children of my own, that wouldn’t be nearly as possible, if possible at all.

I volunteer a lot, and sometimes, the kids at the library ask me if I have kids, and whenever I say no, kids usually want to know why. When I’m volunteering, I’ve said stuff along the lines of, “if I had kids, I wouldn’t have the time to be here with you!” Which is both honest and authentic. I’ve said similar things to my friends’ kids — people with kids want to sleep when they can. I also want to sleep, but I have more energy to do something like let Maisie Frixon wake me up at 5:55 a.m. to spend some time with her. We’ve done early morning yoga, driven to get coffee and pick up breakfast for everyone else, and chatted and gotten to know each other in those early hours that Parents might not have to give to someone else’s child.

It’s essential for me to know my friends’ kids and have them know and trust me. My first friend to have a child was Cara, who had Lincoln in 2009. He turned 15 last week, and my relationship with him, his siblings, and his whole family is among the most important in my life. If I had kids, I’d still have a close relationship with their family, but I wouldn’t have the same connection to these kids if I’d been preoccupied with my own.

But this isn’t just about loving kids. It’s about actively not wanting to reproduce.

Here are some of my many reasons why: